This is a difficult post to write. It is impossible to convey the hopelessness and confusion that accompanies trying to do something that you feel you were put on this earth to do - "multiply and replenish the earth". I have always known that I would be a mother. That is the one thing that has comforted me through all of this. My impatience frequently gets in the way (that is my nature).
Edward and I have planned on having children from the start - no waiting for us! We figured we were already too old to hold off (oh, how young we were!). We both wanted a large family (and that may still be in the cards for us - who knows?). We both also figured it would happen pretty quickly. Other family members were getting pregnant right and left, and we were sure that we would soon have children joining the throngs of new cousins. We went through one round of new cousins, then two, then three, then four. But for us, still nothing. We went to several doctors, who helped us out in various ways, but we still did not achieve our end goal of becoming pregnant. Fertility procedures are not fun - mix together vulnerability, romance on a schedule, and drugs that make you crazy hormonal - and you're going to end up a mess, physically and emotionally.
There came a point where I could not do it anymore. We were exhausting our savings, I was losing hair (literally) and was a total emotional basketcase, and I could not handle the disappointment one more time. So we stopped. My hair grew back (Whew!), my sanity was restored, and adoption became the right thing to do. We had already begun the process, so we now put ourselves 100% into getting ourselves approved.
Now that we are approved, we pray daily that the right child will enter our lives. We have so much to offer and KNOW that we will be good, loving parents. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, and we trust that in His time, our family will be made complete.